[time-nuts] P word in my mails

Thu Apr 2 14:46:21 UTC 2009

Hi Steve:

I came across this Programmer's Language Guide on Prof Kelly's web page
related to his 68000 assembler software at:
http://www.monroeccc.edu/ckelly/default.htm
Have Fun,

Brooke Clarke
http://www.PRC68.com
--------------------------------------------
PROGRAMMERS LANGUAGE REFERENCE GUIDE

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You shoot yourself in the foot and then accidentally delete the pointer
that points to it. Your foot is now in the garbage and there is no way to
retrieve it.

Java
It looks like your gun but some things are missing and others are in the
wrong place. While trying to figure out how to use it you accidentally
shoot yourself in the groin.

Modula-2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Pascal
Same as Modula-2, except that the bullets are the wrong type and won't
pass through the barrel. The gun explodes.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,
then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

ALGOL
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically
fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency
room.

COBOL
You describe the gun, the foot, and the process of shooting the foot with
the gun in great detail. You then shoot yourself in the head.

APL
You hear a bang, your foot hurts, but you don't know enough linear algebra
to figure out what happened.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which ....

FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.

ASSEMBLY
You shoot yourself in the foot with a machine gun. You attempt to slow
down the fire rate but are unable to understand the program because there
are no comments.

XBASE
Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the
foot, you have to use Clipper.

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water-pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.

VISUAL BASIC
You spend days designing the perfect user interface and then shoot
yourself in the foot. Everyone is so impressed with the user interface you
created they all use your program and shoot themselves in the foot.

HTML
 <a href="http://www.body.org/lower-half/leg/foot.html"> Shoot here </a>

SQL
You cut off your foot, send it to the service bureau and when it returns
it has a hole in it, but no longer fits the end of your leg

Dbase
You pull the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time it
reaches your foot, you've forgotten why you shot yourself in the first
place

Python
You shoot yourself in every other toe in order to create more whitespace
and then show your foot to all your friends while bragging about how much
better Python is than every other programming language.

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot 12 different ways.
--------------------------------------------
> Dear Ulrich,
>
> After writhing around on the floor for some time, with my sides
> splitting, I have managed to stop laughing, hopefully, long enough to
> reply to your post. The P word in question is, as already pointed out,
> PASCAL (hack, spit). To my understanding, almost universally loathed
> throughout the coding community, and which, I thought, was put to rest
> many moons ago, much to the relief of the programming community.
>
> Now I have gone to the vault and dusted off the copy of The Historium
> Evilis Computium which I keep wrapped in a black silk scarf and locked
> in a lead lined container. It always gives me shivers whenever I open
> this book and it takes some while to get back into a decent sleep
> pattern after each reading. Searching through the book, I find many
> sections referring to the M word, the I word, the BG words, and that's
> not to forget the GOTO word. I went past the sections printed in
> special ink where the text can only be read by those who are pure of
> heart, as it is a protection against the evil IT masters who would
> send their vile lawyers to suppress this work, until I came upon this
> ancient writing which I reproduce below.
>
> WARNING: if you are of a nervous disposition, or suffer from heart
> problems,  I urge to to delete this message immediately and wipe the
> free-space on your hard drive with a 35 pass Gutmann method.
>
> --
>
> And it came to pass that the Dark One was troubled.
> Mankind had discovered this mighty power they called computing
> And this made the Dark One angy.
>
> He ruminated for many days and nights until he came to a solution.
> He would create something so grave, so terrible, it would make mankind
> think of IT as Instant Terror.
> And the vile thing would dumbfound the masses with it's heavily typed
> variables,
> It's unwillingness to perform functions with mixed types
> And it's difficulty of getting anything useful through the compiler.
> But mankind would see it as a wondrous system, so neat, so clean,
> producing nothing but goodness.
>
> With a wave of his hands, out of his ASR-33 there spat the most vile,
> the most evil of all things.
> And the thing was called PASCAL!
> And the Dark One roared with a laughter that would be heard from all
> around.
>
> And the P thing was sent down to the educational establishments
> And darkness came over the computing land
> And the comp science students were forced to use it.
> It was pitiful to hear their cries as they flagellated themselves when
> they coded
> For it was only the pain that could keep them sane
> But many failed and were dragged off to the asylums screaming.
> Infrequently there would be a cry of "I finally got it past the compiler!"
> And the students would rejoiced as they carried the victor at shoulder
> height all around.
>
> And there rose up others who challenged the P thing
> And they created new programming languages
> And their resistance drove out the P thing
> Expunging it from mankind.
> It still lurked in some places but it's hold on mankind was broken.
> And programmers throughout the whole of mankind rejoiced
> And the dark clouds that covered IT dispersed.
>
> But there was no real rejoicing in the end as all that used the P
> thing succumbed to its vile purpose.
> And in later years, those that had survived were a pitiful sight
> Oft-times found in dark corners, chanting, monotonously,
> "I must not mix types, I must not mix types, I must..."
> For hours on end, it was a sorrowful sight.
>
> And it was said that the Dark One was displeased
> His plan to destroy the will of mankind was thwarted
> But only for the moment
> For he was already working on his next evil plan
> And it came to pass that he came down onto the World
> And he took on a human guise
> And he created an evil empire...
>
> --
>
> This is all I am prepared to transcribe from the book for fear that
> even worse things will happen. I will have to get my whip from the
> vault and flagellate myself for hours to get this P thing out of my
> mind and try to keep myself sane, such is the power of this evil
> thing.
>
> That's all folks!!!
> 73, Steve
>
> 2009/4/2 Ulrich Bangert <df6jb at ulrich-bangert.de>:
>> Steve,
>>
>> after I read your mail I have been completely perplexed because I could
>> by
>> no stretch of imagination detect where you had found the aforesaid P
>> word in
>> my mail. It needed the help of some English speaking friends and a
>> search in
>> my last mails to find out that I have (possibly over a range of more
>> than 30
>> years) used an American 5 letter word in another sense than most/all of
>> you
>> seem to interprete it.
>>
>> I HAVE seen the aforesaid word on some doors during my visits to he
>> United
>> States and I HAVE understood the meaning of the word in this context.
>> But I
>> swear that I have not been aware of the fact that the aforesaid word is
>> used
>> EXCLUSIVELY for the location behind these doors. If I had been aware of
>> that
>> I would have never used this word in a conversation because that is
>> simply
>> not my style.
>>
>> Instead, I have been believing (and I swear this is the truth) that the
>> aforesaid word is used by a gentlemen to address a group of other
>> gentlemen
>> just as a "Hi folks" among noble people but avoiding the highly offical
>> salutation "Gentlemen", in a sense a laid-back use of "Gentlemen".
>>
>> Clearly this is a mistake of mine that I cannot other than to apologize
>> for!
>> If anyone of you has felt offended or in any other way been affected by
>> my
>> wrong use of this word: Sorry for that, that was NOT my intention in
>> using
>> this term. I have started a lot of my posts to this group with this word
>> because of the high s/n ratio to be found here and the extremely well
>> educated people in the group that I hold in high regard.
>>
>> Someone should have told me before! If you find this word in one of my
>> earlier posts substitute it with "Gentlemen" because that is what was
>> ment.
>>
>> Thank you Steve for pointing at that. If you had not done it I would
>> propably have used the word in a wrong sense for the rest of my life.
>>
>> Best regards
>> Ulrich Bangert
>>
>>
>>> -----Ursprüngliche Nachricht-----
>>> Von: time-nuts-bounces at febo.com
>>> [mailto:time-nuts-bounces at febo.com] Im Auftrag von Steve Rooke
>>> Gesendet: Mittwoch, 1. April 2009 11:57
>>> An: Discussion of precise time and frequency measurement
>>> Betreff: Re: [time-nuts] Prologix
>>>
>>>
>>> This man said the P word without any form of apology :-)
>>>
>>> 73
>>>
>>> 2009/4/1 Ulrich Bangert <df6jb at ulrich-bangert.de>:
>>> > Mike,
>>> >
>>> > I would like to second Brent's information: That is exactly
>>> how it is
>>> > done. Talking to the Prologix interface and talking to the NI
>>> > interface is COMPLETELY different in that talking to the Prologix
>>> > always means straightforward serial communication while
>>> talking to the
>>> > NI involves DLL-calls from the application.
>>> >
>>> > The Prologix is cheap and easy to work with, thats why some
>>> time nuts
>>> > use it. The NI interface is on the other hand more
>>> expensive and more
>>> > complex to handle (and yes, it does some things that are not easily
>>> > done with the Prologix). The biggest advantage of the DLL-calls is:
>>> > The same application works with whatever NI interface you
>>> use: Plug in
>>> > card, USB devices, ethernet dvices, you name it. All work
>>> by the SAME
>>> > dll calls, so your application is not specific for a
>>> interface device.
>>> >
>>> > I do not forget to advertise my own solution to GPIB
>>> programming named
>>> > EZGPIB which talks to Prologix (both LAN and USB based) as
>>> well to NI
>>> > interfaces and thanks supporting basic VISA even to GPIB
>>> interfaces of
>>> > other suppliers.
>>> >
>>> > It uses an easy to learn PASCAL like script language that
>>> your friend
>>> > might get used to in a snap. Basically, if your friend
>>> writes a EZGPIB
>>> > based script to talk to his counter over the Prologix, you will be
>>> > able to use the SAME script to talk to your 5335A via a NI
>>> interface.
>>> > Nice feature? EZGPIB has got mentioned in April's 2008
>>> issue of "Test
>>> > & Measurement World". See the last link on my "About me" page
>>> >
>>> > http://www.ulrich-bangert.de/html/about_me.html
>>> >
>>> > EZGIPB can be downloaded for free from
>>> >
>>> > http://www.ulrich-bangert.de/html/downloads.html
>>> >
>>> > Best regards
>>> > Ulrich, DF6JB
>>> >
>>> >> -----Ursprungliche Nachricht-----
>>> >> Von: time-nuts-bounces at febo.com
>>> [mailto:time-nuts-bounces at febo.com]
>>> >> Im Auftrag von Brent Gordon
>>> >> Gesendet: Dienstag, 31. Marz 2009 20:07
>>> >> An: Discussion of precise time and frequency measurement
>>> >> Betreff: Re: [time-nuts] Prologix
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> Mike Feher wrote:
>>> >> > A friend has a 5335A counter and bought a Prologix adaptor
>>> >> for it to
>>> >> > collect data. He wrote the software and has had extremely good
>>> >> > results. He offered to do the same for me utilizing my NI
>>> >> adaptor so I
>>> >> > could use it for my various counters. Unfortunately he ran into
>>> >> > problems and feels he needs a special version of basic
>>> in order to
>>> >> > make my $500 NI adaptor work. I admit to my total lack of
>>> >> programming
>>> >> > ability. I still use GWBASIC, and only to crunch heavy
>>> >> numbers. I have
>>> >> > no idea how to interface any software to communicate with an
>>> >> > instrument, and, maybe am too old to want to learn as it
>>> >> seems a lot
>>> >> > of people do it on a regular basis already. If this becomes too
>>> >> > difficult I may have to buy a Prologix unit from Abdul.
>>> >> While I am all
>>> >> > for doing that, and I bought my NI before Abdul had his
>>> >> version going,
>>> >> > I was also under the impression that if the Prologix can do
>>> >> it the NI
>>> >> > can do it, but, not necessarily the other way around. My friend
>>> >> > mentioned API calls, whatever they are. Any suggestions?
>>> >> Thanks - Mike
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > Mike B. Feher, N4FS
>>> >> > 89 Arnold Blvd.
>>> >> > Howell, NJ, 07731
>>> >> > 732-886-5960
>>> >> >
>>> >> Mike,
>>> >>
>>> >> You should have gotten the NI-488.2 CD with your GPIB
>>> card. On that
>>> >> CD are the dlls (Dynamic Link Libraries) to talk to the card.
>>> >> You can use
>>> >> the dlls in any language that supports dlls or ActiveX.
>>> >> Sorry to say,
>>> >> GWBASIC is not one of those languages.  Visual Basic 6
>>> works well and
>>> >> I've even done GPIB data acquisition directly into Excel using VBA
>>> >> (Visual Basic for Applications, Excel's macro language).  VBA
>>> >> is part of
>>> >> Excel.  Alternatively, you can get a free Visual Basic Express at
>>> >> http://www.microsoft.com/express/vb/  I haven't tried VB
>>> >> Express, but I
>>> >> think it will work.  Normally, I do all my GPIB programming
>>> >> in LabVIEW.
>>> >>
>>> >> Brent
>>> >>
>>> >> _______________________________________________
>>> >> time-nuts mailing list -- time-nuts at febo.com
>>> >> To unsubscribe, go to
>>> >> https://www.febo.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/time-nuts
>>> >> and follow the instructions there.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > _______________________________________________
>>> > time-nuts mailing list -- time-nuts at febo.com
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>>> > https://www.febo.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/time-nuts
>>> > and follow the instructions there.
>>> >
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> --
>>> Steve Rooke - ZL3TUV & G8KVD & JAKDTTNW
>>> Omnium finis imminet
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> time-nuts mailing list -- time-nuts at febo.com
>>> To unsubscribe, go to
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>>> and follow the instructions there.
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
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>> and follow the instructions there.
>>
>
>
>
> --
> Steve Rooke - ZL3TUV & G8KVD & JAKDTTNW
> Omnium finis imminet
>
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