[time-nuts] A Visit from St. Nicholas for Intellectuals Pursuing Interests in Horology

[Tom Clark, K3IO]

   ·         A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS
   FOR READERS IN THEIR 23RD
   YEAR OF SCHOOLING

   'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
   yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
   activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
   including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
   Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
   wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
   regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist
   among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.
   Nicholas.
   The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
   accommodations of repose, were experiencing various subconscious
   visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving
   rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired
   in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous
   advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior
   portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
   that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose
   for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
   Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the
   fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
   reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous
   precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
   itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a
   miniature airborne runnered
   conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus
   Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and
   nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our
   anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what
   may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar
   predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through
   contracted labia, and addressed
   each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher,
   now Dancer ..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level
   of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
   concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
   As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
   performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved --
   with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the
   smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon
   residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had
   accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I
   attributed largely to the plethora of
   assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth
   receptacle.
   His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
   submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
   amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal
   appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous
   layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
   emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His
   amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common
   loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like
   small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
   Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray
   fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of
   a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it
   was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal
   region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a
   hemispherical container.
   Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
   aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his
   aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon
   completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
   single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
   inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
   forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
   passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his
   conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted
   oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to
   soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the
   seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting
   exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the
   limits of visibility:

       "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that
   self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial
       and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."